My Daily Usi

Birth date

2011-11-20T05:23:00.000-08:00

This weekend, I celebrated my big 2-8th. While my date had made last minute changes to our agreement on how to spend the day, to my annoyance, the day went alright. Later on, I checked my social network account and was thrilled to see that there are many people who took the time to greet me on my birthday. As an adult and a parent, I don't have much expectations about celebrating occasions like this. I pretty much have settled on the compromises I need to make...being a busy parent and career woman and being everything that I am right now. I am practically catching my breath to keep up. Well, I think I need a break and a good break shall I have.Good night everyone!

One and Only

2011-11-05T23:19:00.000-07:00

While I am out of words to write ... I just wanted to share this spot-on soulful song, which describes the very person who makes me smile everyday.salamat sa pagtatama ng lahat ng mga mali sa buhay ko... MAHAL... THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME THIS MUCH ...

I Miss Writing

2011-08-20T23:40:00.000-07:00

Since I entered a new career, I never got the chance to write something other than plans, exams, grades and evaluation points. I never had the chance to post one decent blog entry. I never had the chance to feel, to whine or even to breathe and just think because all the time was spend running around for tasks that seem to never end - tasks that take away so much time, keeping me from doing all the things that I used to do. It's like having a new baby. My job tends to wrap me into a world where I can never do other things than the daunting tasks of keeping up. whew! sometimes it really tires me so much, I am pulling strings to keep my battery, wits and sanity up. But who said professional careers were easy to start anyway. so I need to stop whining and start delivering whatever is needed or rather demanded from me. so got to go away again guys. 'till my next "not-so-in-haste-made" blog entry.

YOU

2011-07-29T17:07:00.000-07:00

Who honor those who we love for the very life that we live?Who sends monsters to kill us?And at the same time says that we will never die?Who teaches us what's realand how to laugh at lies?Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend?Who change us and who holds the key that can set us free?...IT'S YOU. YOU HAVE ALL THE WEAPONS YOU NEED...NOW FIGHT!

arrogance

2011-07-24T04:14:00.000-07:00

In my the past few weeks, I never expected to have met so many huge egos and arrogant people in my everyday life. I was pretty confident that everything will turn out fine. However, though one can do so much, it is what it is and that's what happened. At their very young age, I was surprised to be dealing with people who are not supposed to be as arrogant and disrespectful. Pity, I thought they were all good and every day they prove me wrong. They are young but they are what they are. All I can hope is that I won't cave in to the urge to give them the kind of treatment that their attitudes are asking for.

Education

2011-06-25T18:08:00.000-07:00

In my current job as an educator, I had much expectations at how demanding it is in terms of time, effort and even patience. Sometimes, it makes me think and compare how easy my work was as a copywriter, having the time to just sit back and write as my thoughts soared, but then it also convinces me that this job allows me to share more and explore more to be part of the development of the students I care for. This way, the job also allows me to learn so much more and explore more of what I am capable of. Both jobs do not sit well on my body clock, both jobs drove me to wake up at 2 AM just to get everything settled and done when the actual work hours start. I have made my choice and I wouldn't want to have chosen otherwise.

Now that I am a teacher, I remembered how my aunts used to take painstaking hours doing their lesson plans, quizzes and exams and even their tedious methods of computing every student's grade/rating. Now that I am in the position of continuing this noble but unspoken and undeclared calling, which my family seem to be part of, I wanted to give more as I always did in every task I was given.

This may not mean anything to my young students, but I take this job very seriously. I just hope they listen more. It is somehow painful to see that all those efforts be put to waste because I may have overlooked the importance of catching their attention. It is often a source of frustration on my part that I find it a bit challenging to make students interested in my discussions, especially when the subject I teach is perhaps very far from their interests. They would rather love to study about science and math than study social issues, history and home economics. This is a challenge I am willing to rule out. I am laying out many ways on how to make the "uninteresting" somehow relatable and "interesting" to these young minds' taste. I have to. I need to. I shall will them to learn. That is a promise.

I have surpassed many challenges in my academic life, I know this is but another challenge that will mark my sleeve. The only difference is that if I pull it off, I served my purpose and that the young minds I nurture will gain much more.

Sensitive Much?

2011-06-20T14:23:00.000-07:00

I admit that I am awfully sensitive whenever somebody comments on how I parent my child, especially if that somebody is my mother. Honestly, I don't look forward to being nagged at how to do things, I believe that my years on earth have given me enough know-how to work around things...or so I thought. Then, we talked about our issues and even my issues on how to do better in handling my child, and to my surprise, I saw her point clearly, which of course made me feel quite off. Bottomline is that I am lucky to have a mother, who immediately corrects me if I am about to do things the wrong way - well in her eyes at least. Experience may be what I am lacking, but my mother has lots of that. I have to give it to her, she talks of things that I really don't have any knowledge or insight of how things may turn out. Though I have faith in myself, sometimes, I needed to be cracked to take a better perspective at things I might be doing wrong, but not intentionally. I guess my mother is just doing her job, parenting me, raising me still even when I am already one... then I thought, parenting never stops and it crosses the boundaries of learning everything about family life.

My Labs!

2011-05-27T03:07:00.000-07:00

It's not everyday that I encounter poems that truly measure up to my emotions and experiences as a parent. Let me share with you the treasure of words that I found. Also, I felt the need to twist my belated posts into advance greetings. So this is for you, "my labs!"...

To My Son

© Amy R. Campbell

Oh how the years go by,
Oh how time can certainly fly.
From once just a thought in far away dreams,
now into my arms and in my eyes gleam
the presence of you.

Your laughter and smileswhich go on for miles,
warms my heart and soul.
You're growing up so fast,
as I wish each moment with you to last forever.

My little boy will someday be a man
and right by your side I will forever stand.
I will pick up the pieces when you fall,
I will hold your hand and help you stand tall.

And when the day comes when you are on your own,
never feel that you are alone.
No matter how near or far apart
I am always right there in your heart.

"Always remember whatever you go through, that no matter what, I will always love you."

Another Bday Post Coming Up...

2011-05-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

Can't Please Everybody

2011-05-24T18:51:00.000-07:00

Ever heard of the line "you can't please everybody"? It's actually true. Whether it is with your family, friends or co-workers, people's differences usually come in the way of "getting along" or simple "understanding" of the opinion, actions or shortcoming of others.

Regardless of our religion, our faith in our God tells us to "have faith in other people", but some look upon themselves as the "standard" of personalities and with that, they project a relatively high expectation on others - on how they should act, on how they should have handled situations and many other conditions. This state often cultivates a thought that "they should have done this and that...if they weren't stupid...because I would have...I would have thought of that". Often, this state drives people to prejudices, which cause them to think ill of the intentions and character of others, instead of entertaining a more positive stand on the actions of other people.

Sometimes, people do nonsensical things for no reason. Even when they are blithely aware of the consequences or hurt they may cause, there are reasons for their actions, no matter how stupid we thought those are. I personally believe that the things done served what they thought was best. People make mistakes and lucky are those who don't mess up as often as others. Sometimes, we just need to be thankful for not being in the situation of causing hurt or difficulties in others. I guess we just need to keep an open heart and an open mind to continue having faith in others, because no matter how we think that we are good and deserving or that we should have been treated better, we live the world with few other million people who may not agree with us and we have to respect that. Because that way, you get the respect and treatment that you thought you deserve. Respects - respects.Truly, people are different from one another. They have their own convictions, which with age, becomes more difficult to sway or even convince otherwise.

I guess some people should stop beating themselves up, thinking ill of other people. Just imagine the stress and the despair they put themselves in. Life is short and the world is small. You can do whatever with your life, but remember that you are living your life with few other people whom you need to treat well - to also be treated well.

My Calling

2011-05-23T18:14:00.000-07:00

I have never thought of myself to be working with children. Funny, I wasn't a great fan of people from that age group. However, having a child of my own changed all my prejudices about our little tyrants. I find it refreshing and livening to be surrounded by energetic creatures. I look forward to being part of their daily life. I look forward to contributing in building their know-how in dealing with the world they live in. I look forward to all new experiences with them. After all, I am still and forever will be a student of a course called "life". This marks a new chapter in my career...which will teach me more on how to be a better adult and example to the young ones...especially my son.

What makes you Stay

2011-05-16T20:40:00.000-07:00

Live to LOVE!

Priorities

2011-05-16T18:56:00.000-07:00

At this point of my life, focus is everything. However, when "little things" come along with "important things", I tend to lose focus and just do the "little things" first, believing that after dealing with them, they wouldn't be a bother me by the time I deal with "important things". However, dealing with the "little things" causes me to lose sight of the "important things", which I should be doing and dealing with in the first place. What happens is that I get caught up dealing with less significant things and lose track of the things I MUST and NEEDED to do. This gets me really frustrated, beating myself up for things and chores that are left out. Tough tough tough! Life is like a balancing circus act, I hope I can figure out what and how to work out routine that would allow me to do everything I needed to do. Then I remember, my solution to everything...PRIORITIES...perhaps I should work that out before I go crazy organizing my to-do list.

Lost for Words

2011-05-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

As I was reading my older post, I have noticed that it takes a while for me to write much these days. I guess it is a good sign. Like other bloggers, blogging about my frustrations in life made me a bit self-centered, only writing about me, what I feel, what was done to me, what I did to other people...me-me-me and ME. I guess I just run out of anything to talk about myself, or that everything is just okay and that I did not have anything to complain about. The thing is, I am happy the way things are... my little family, my love, my work, my home --- everything is in place. I guess I should write about the good things now. Life is still beautiful, just look for fortunes in unfortunate things and you'll soon realize, everything works out for the better. Be happy everyone!

What it means to be One

2011-05-07T18:20:00.000-07:00

You may have already heard this but being a mother is one full-time job that will put you through all the pains, tiredness, long standing hours, limitless worries and various ranges of emotions. It is one job that does not define any boundary, it does not say when it starts or when it ends. It just goes on and on. But while it makes you ache and hurt in places you never realized you have, it is one job that allows you to learn much, not just about the fellow and the life that you brought into the world but about the character, strength and convictions that you have built within yourself. It allows you to correct all wrong and perpetuate all things good in life. The values you hold will be exhibited in every smile, smirk, tantrum, embrace and tear that your little one will shed or cause. Given all these troubles, some may claim that being a mother is the best. Honestly, I can't say that becoming a mother is the highlight of every woman's life. For me, it simply became my life. It was what concluded everything I have learned and it is what showed me of the realities of how difficult but rewarding life can be despite and in spite of all the trials and blessings that have come my way.

Tricky Talks

2011-04-28T17:39:00.000-07:00

Many times I have wondered why I feel more comfortable opening up my issues to my friends than to my siblings. Perhaps it could be the prospect of them stepping to my side in every situation without being fully judged or I felt that my sisters and I already have a great deal of issues to deal with for ourselves that some things need not to add up to whatever is already carried. Sometimes,things are best discussed with family because they are the ones who truly know you for what you are and that would understand you why you did the things you just did. As for friends, being more attached to what you are going through, they often give you advices that may either serve your own good (objective) or soothe your ego (butter you up just until you are not that vulnerable). On the other hand, friends often become the sounding board with sibling quarrels or vice versa. As for me, I guess I need to put up some more blogs for all my sentiments. Now I know, I am better at expressing myself by writing, not by yaking!

Challenges

2011-04-25T19:38:00.000-07:00

In my previous posts, I have written about finding more challenges to face, more tests and more trials, Boy did I never expected that everything would start like this. You see, this easter season, my son and I fell ill. For some reasons, some nasty bug or shall I say viruses, sneakily crept onto both our bodies and went gaga in creating havoc into our immune system. In simple terms, my son and I were sick... I know it would be more fun if we can play together or even sleep together but oh my, we were separated, isolated and drenched with every antiseptic, antibacterial, antimicrobial stuff I can get my hands on to. Talk about real challenge, this is like plague that materialized right between us two. So what must be the catch on why I am kinda upset on both of us getting sick altogether...simple! WE BOTH CAN'T GO OUT! what sucks even more is that we can't watch TV together...argh!

Well, I am hoping that like some nasty "bugs" that came across our lives, their effects should be temporary, but something that we will carry on forever. I guess I should say, "good luck with that - mate!"

All About CLASS

2011-04-19T05:40:00.000-07:00

Class has a sense of humor. It knows that a good laugh is the best lubricant for oiling the machinery of human relations. Class never makes excuses. It takes its lumps and learns from past mistakes. Class bespeaks an aristocracy unrelated to ancestors or money. Some extremely wealthy people have no class at all, while others who are struggling to make ends meet are loaded with it. Class is real. You can't fake it. Class never tries to build itself up by tearing others down. Class is already up and need not attempt to look better by making others look worse. Everyone is comfortable with the person who has class because he is comfortable with himself. If you have class, you've got it made. If you don't have class, no matter what else you have, it won't make up for it.

-- Ann Landers

I did IT!

2011-04-17T17:10:00.000-07:00

It was my graduation week. Suddenly, my hopes of finishing my college education came true. All the hard work, long work hours, study periods, cramming periods, tiring days and nights, and time spent away from my son rewarded me with this single sheet of paper called "college diploma". Then suddenly, it hit me... what am I going to do now? Where do I go from here? What things should I pursue now that my ultimate goal has finally been reached. Then it sinked in that I now have to figure out more things to do with my life. But similar to my experiences with my previously achieved goals, I know that I have to toil and work harder this time to achieve more things that I wanted in my life.

Of course, I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who helped me make the "impossible" possible.

As the "MIA" writer that I am, I would like to express my heartfelt thanks to my boss - my friend, Sandi for always finding it in her heart to understand my interesting predicament. Thank you for being a great boss, a friend and an inspiration for a struggling writer and mother like me. As it is, you're doing a great job on your own and I'd like to bring that positive attitude in my life.

As a stubborn sister, daughter and niece that I am, I would like to thank my family for the support and affection that consistently gave me strength to go through everything that is necessary to reach my goals. I am what I am because you guys helped me become what I am ... a winner!

As a reluctant, confused, dramatic, neurotic yet trying-to-be-the-coolest-young-hot-mother that I am, I would like to dedicate my achievements to my SON, my everything. This is just the start so NJ, just hang in for this will be quite a ride!

Lastly, I dedicate everything to my greatest inspiration... the never tiring and unconditional love and affection that you have bestowed upon me was what held me through it all. It is your love that SAVED my life and I promise to live out the most of the life that YOU gave me. Dear Lord, you are the greatest love I have seen in my life. My love for my son, my family and my loved one --- my love for them is a reflection of what you gave me. Thank you for teaching me everything I know now... and I look forward to the tests that you will give me. I am eternally grateful dear Lord, you've protected me from making wrong decisions, you enlightened me of the persons who have taken from me and hurt me. I pray to you for peace in mind and heart of every person's life I have touched, for every person who brought hurt and shame into my life, for the people who helped me and supported me... as I would hope to give them the same courtesy they have given me. Thank you for everything. I pray for my heartfelt thanks in Jesus' name.....AMEN

The Victor

2011-03-22T19:22:00.000-07:00

I would like to share with you my favorite poem of the moment:

If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don’t
If you like to win but think you can’t,
It’s almost a cinch you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost.
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are.
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win the prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man.
But sooner or later, the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.

-C.W. Longenecker

Take Risks! Assert Yourself!

2011-03-19T05:10:00.000-07:00

One status message in facebook actually caught me off-guard as it was so true. It said, most successful people have taken risks. Then I thought, I used to take risks so lightly like I never have anything to lose. However, those days seem to have passed me by. When I've so much to stake and so many complications to consider, I seem to have lost the courage to take the risks necessary for me to move on with my "contented and satisfyingly simple life". Then I thought, the road to success were more challenging with everything I have in tow...really challenging. Then again I thought, I have come to a point in my life where I used to believe that everything was tough, yet I survived. I thought those days were the "toughest" as of those I have faced before, but I survived. I guess my uncertainties in taking risks only keeps me from going further to what I can do and wherever I can still go. I guess I really have to really toughen up some more and grow thicker skin to really go further. I admit I am fearful of failure. Then I thought, again, tasting failure only got me more revved up to do better. Whatever lies ahead, I guess I just need to brace myself for whatever good or bad may happen. I have surprised myself many times at overcoming life's difficulties, I guess this new crossroad in my life will only give me more surprises of whatever I am still capable of doing, failing or achieving.

"Assert yourself..." this will be my new mantra. Hello world; here I go again!

Whatta!

2011-03-15T04:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes... rather...most of the time, parents can be the most discriminating persons in this world. No matter what you do, it seems like they can easily pick something bad on anything that you have or do. No matter how you redeem yourself from all your past offenses, they will always pick on those and always find a way to make an argument about it. No matter how well you do, they will always find something to make you feel that it wasn't good enough. So here's a piece of my mind: I may pursue something that people may not perceive as a road to success, but whatever I do, it is I who is most pleased about it...and I am not the least bit ambitious as some people are.

I am not perfect, I get it. Whoever is anyway? I just hate it when somebody pisses on me and it burns me like hell because I cannot talk back or even defend myself. So there, enjoy tormenting me because soon, you will see the end of everything. and that is a promise.

Whew!

2011-02-26T13:25:00.001-08:00

Im so sorry guys for neglecting this blog for like two weeks. Wendastarr just got busy with school and many other things. After surviving OJT, thesis writing and thesis defense, I have a good feeling that all my hard work will pay well.

Finally, school will be over. After all the blood, sweat and tears, I can finally say that my life is close to being the way I wanted it to be...I planned it to be. That thought I made a long "detour", I still managed to go back on track.

Time and time again, I am thankful for the support system that I have. My son, my family, my friends, my classmates and my professors, I thank everyone for bearing with the "temperamental me" these past few weeks.

God speed!

My Valentine

2011-02-11T19:07:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks were spent on completing the many requirements that I need to accomplish before graduation. My days became more hectic, tiring and exhausting... both in mind and body. Sometimes, I think, I don't need to exert much effort in doing all the tasks I can manage in the office because I need to do more things at home, like working on my articles, thesis, and caring for my son. But old habits don't help, I can't help it, I am thorough in everything I do.

Although the days are long and tiring, it's comforting to come home to a family that always have warm dinner waiting for me on the table. Simple things like preparing food for a weary soul like me easily warms and melts my heart. I so love my family for bearing with me through all these trying days of my life. I thank them for taking care of me and my son. Most especially, I am thankful to have found a home in my SON, who patiently waits for me, entertains me with his endless gab and joins me in my late dinners and snacks...until he falls asleep in my arms. Nothing can top the love and embrace that welcomes me home every night. I love you son...my forever valentine.

Isn't this Cool

2011-02-03T23:01:00.000-08:00

Isn't this cool or not? I am making this entry while I am on my on-the-job-training hours... Thanks to MS. ESTER, I got this rare chance of updating my blog...in the office!!! COOL!

Hectic Days are Here again

2011-01-30T15:23:00.000-08:00

I know I have been quite lax with everything lately, I am just taking my time (hic!). Anyway, it is time for some serious business. My to-do list has run another mile, my pending projects are brimming and I need to get my act together. Get it together girl, get it together...wrap it up! ... and remember, reward comes to those who work like there's no tomorrow! work! work!! work!!!

W-O-R-K!!!

ONESELF

2011-01-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

I believe that one’s healthiest relationship must be withhimself. Learning to value your own values, freely love what you really loveand embrace both your strengths and weaknesses are practices that can makeanyone an able partner, an essence of a lasting and healthy relationship. Oncea person manages this kind of relationship with himself, I believe that all hisfears will be nonexistent and that whatever happens to the relationship heenters, he will have no regret because he will never come out of it broken…lesshurt, less bitterness and less hassles. Ultimately, I believe this kind ofpersonal relationship with oneself is the key to happiness. Happiness isnever forced, it is shared and spread. To be happy in all facets of life, love,embrace and value one’s self first…the rest will just follow. Well this is butone random thought that crossed my mind this day. How about you?

Sink or Swim

2011-01-16T07:05:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, it happens that I just go blank in the middle ofconversations. Not that I am ignoring the people talking with me, it’s justthat sometimes out of the blue, interesting thoughts and ideas cross mymind and I needed to take a mind note. Of course, I would just brush it offwith “sorry, what was that again?” or “don’t mind me, go on…”

Lately, I do geta lot of that “blank” mode. Perhaps it comes with the excitement, or ratheranxiety, of finally graduating from school. I always remind myself that this isjust a start because I intend be busy about many things. I guess Iam just consoling myself that way, thinking of all the lost times I had inbuilding something out of myself. But then enough of the pity party, this is mybig opportunity. This is what I have long been waiting for. Gotta suck it all up and go on.

Funny, at this point, I shouldn’t be feeling this way. It’s highschool all over again. As I stop and think of plans and ideas, I do get excitedI can almost taste them all. But then again, I wonder if I can everpull it off. Then my alter ego would say, “but of course my dear, you’ve come along way! This is just but one thing you have skipped and turned back to. ” ---then I get excited, thinking and wondering and looking forward to post-gradlife all over again.

Down with Rain

2011-01-11T16:01:00.000-08:00

Rain. Cold. Quiet. I now understand why the percentage of depressioncases is higher in colder countries.

Rain. Though I like the comfort of the days when sweat doesn’tburst on my skin, rainy days seem to always give me this sinking feeling, likeI feel down or something. Funny, I have been ranting and praying for rainy daysfor the last few months and when it came, I don’t like it anymore. Though Ihave thought rainy days are better, I am quite convinced that I was provenwrong.

Cold. I have been looking forward for this cold wet season.Now, I don’t like it so much.I

Quiet. When I work, I like everything to be still around meas my mind runs fast with ideas and webs words to make sensible points. Butafter all the task, the quiet isn’t the best company for me.

Funny, sometimes the things that I look forward to so much,the things that I wished and hoped for, the things that I staked much for, oftendo not meet my expectations. As I look back, my days were better with the heatand all. Sunny days may burn me down but it never made me feel down.

Bring it On 2011!

2011-01-02T03:37:00.001-08:00

Ringing the year of the rabbit is quite exciting forme. There will be lots of exciting changes and challenges ahead so I am bracingmyself to have the stamina to match whatever comes my way. After weatheringstorms, overcoming the odds and winning over my little battles, I no longerhold fear and uncertainty. I know what’s mine and I will get it. I don’t evenneed to work hard at it because I can make it happen. It’s “New Year” and it’stime to embrace a more assertive and more confident attitude…hell I can doit!!! No more fear…no more hate…just hopeful and ready! AJA!!!

Feminine Mystique

2010-12-26T18:54:00.000-08:00

Life has put me through experiences that opened up my eyes onhow complex the aspects of a woman’s life can be. One thing I have learned throughall those years is that a woman often becomes a victim of her own passions. There are many facets to a woman’s life. No matter how she loved and was loved, she often falls into crossroads of choices, which may turn her life to ideal or worse.

Womenare emotional creatures, although some may not show it, they are. As defined bytheir experiences, they are molded by their experiences, intellect andrelations into the character that they became. Their caring nature often clasheswith their convictions about how to lead their lives. While some seems tobreathe success after standing long hours and compromising feminine duties incharging towards her pursuits, some may fall behind, happily caring for thefamily and love, which she believe to define the essence of her very existence.

The thing is, no woman has no story. A woman’s heart, a woman’s lifeis a deep well of mystery, which only a patient man can unravel, discover andembrace.

Last Song Syndrome

2010-12-25T21:21:00.000-08:00

A dear friend of mine shared me this song and well...it's nice...very nice actually.

One and Only You – Parokya ni Edgar

It took one look
And forever laid out in front of me
One smile and I died
Only to be revived by you

There i was
Thought i had everything figured out
Goes to show just how much i know
’bout the way life plays out…

Chorus:

I take one step away
but i find myself coming back to you
My one and only, one and only you…ooh…

Now i know

That i know not a thing at all
Except the fact that i am yours
And that you are mine

Ooh

They told me that this wouldn’t be easy
And no
I’m not one to complain…

(Chorus 2X)

YOU..

Happy Christmas

2010-12-23T19:07:00.000-08:00

May the Christmas season Fill your home with peace, Your heart with happiness And your life with the best of everything.

It’s the time of love, It’s the time of peace, It’s the time of happiness, It’s Christmas time, for one and all!

I Wish that the good times and treasures of today Transform into the golden memories of tomorrow and inspire you always strive for perfection, in whatever you do Merry Christmas!

Let your Christmas sparkle with moments of togetherness, laughter and joy And may the year ahead be filled to the brim, with happiness and contentment. Wish you a Merry Christmas.

As you enjoy the food, deck up every nook and corner of your home and celebrate the togetherness... Hoping that the joy and festivities, continue in your lives, long after Christmas is over Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Sending across your way the gift of faith, the blessing of goodwill and the peace of Jesus’ love at Christmas and throughout the year!

Let the feeling of love Softly fill our hearts and minds.

A little smile, a word of cheer, A bit of love from someone near, A little gift from one held dear, Best wishes for the coming year… These make a Merry Christmas!

Simply Thankful

2010-12-14T03:54:00.000-08:00

Our campus minister, who happened to be also my dear Spanishinstructor, told me that being thankful to the littlest things in life willhelp me make a 360-degree turn, in terms of my perception of life. Beingthankful for the clean air, for the tap water that reaches our home, for the decent meals I share with myfamily in our dinner table, these things are often overlooked when appreciatinglife.

Many times, I have complained about the trivial things likethe heat, the difficulties of learning to speak Spanish, NJ’s “toyinstallations” in the living room, the sweat and the remains of a good meal onmy collar and pants. I always find it easy to complain about things, whichsometimes makes me feel a bit discontented about my life. Although I have allthe things I needed to thrive, I seem to have acquired a habit of complaining.This Christmas, I want to be more appreciative and thankful for everything thatGod has given me. I am thankful for the love that people has bestowed upon me.I am thankful for the true friendship that strengthened me. I am thankful forthe people who have wronged me deeply, because they convinced me that somehowsome way, God exacts justice where it is needed be, because in the end, I wasthe one who ended up polished and gleaming and happy. Things simply go back towhere they belong. No matter how much difficulty, hardship or pain I havesuffered, what’s important is the person that these things made me become –stronger, driven, better, though a bit feisty.

I have learned to look at the good things that come out ofthe bad things. I have learned to see hope in frustration. I have seenconsequences with offenses. I have seen fairness. For all these things, I am thankful.

A voc- A - bulary Lesson

2010-12-06T17:33:00.000-08:00

I just got bored and so I thought of doing some vocabulary exercises using urban dictionary... so you know, I can learn some colloquial terms... then I thought of looking up this word I always hear from people who are angry, furious or mad at someone. I always hear this word...so I got my little fingers working and this is what I found...

"An A-hole is the worst kind of person. You cannot fully construct a meaning that fully encompasses what this vicious insult means. If you're an asshole, you are disgusting, loathsome, vile, distasteful, wrathful, belligerent, agoraphobic, and more. Assholes are human fecal matter. They are the lowest of the low. They transcend all forms of immorality. It is the very worst of insults; to be called an asshole is to have your very soul ripped apart and shat on. I say that the word "asshole" is the worst cuss word in the english language, worst than f*ck, sh*t, and c*nt combined."

-Eric Melech

take this TEST to know how much of an A-hole you are ... or NOT!

Mumbling

2010-12-03T06:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when I am surrounded by purequiet, I think about how I made my life become as it is. I wonder how thoseyears came by and changed what and how I perceive myself. In all those years, Ihave gained strength, courage, tiny bit maturity and other things I wish I canput into words. I just naturally learnedto compartmentalize my life - file those memories I want to hold on, memories Icherish, and lock away the memories that I wish never to remember. I eventhought if I had offended somebody. I wondered if I may have caused them painand despair, deep enough to turn things or lose some part of them along theway. All I can do is hope, because I know the feeling of the one being hurt andchanged forever.

One thing I like about aging is realizingthat not all laws of nature apply in actual life. Sometimes, there’s no need toretaliate. Sometimes, there’s no need to act. Sometimes, there’s no need tofight. Because sometimes, time comes when all things wrong become right andeverything that cannot be done will become a possibility.

Fearless

2010-12-03T05:59:00.000-08:00

Don’t be afraid when facing uncertainties. Lookat it as a challenge that will give room for you to shine on your own. Do notallow second thoughts to cloud what a wonderful person you are. Neverunderestimate what you can do and what you can be. Avoid second guessing yourself. Just put your head on what youwant to do with your life, stake your direction, pursue your aspirations andcharge forward, strong and dignified, armed with sheer courage to protect whatis meant to be yours. Own your life. Do not allow anyone to say or direct youto doing anything. You only have to answer for your life, you are the only onewho has the power over it. Don’t let anybody else rule it for you. OWN IT! Liveit! It is the only one you’ve got.

Heavy Load

2010-11-30T14:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, in life, people either leave or are left behind. This is a normal part of life. It is easy to be hurt and be sad when we are the ones being left by the people who matter in our lives. On the other hand, people who leave either feel relieved or numb from the loneliness and emptiness that they are bound to face...

Friendships, love, relationships...leaving...these are normal parts of life. The load of dealing with life sometimes becomes too heavy to bear, and we need to shed some load to move on. Sometimes, we are compelled to make compromises to make situations in life bearable. I'd like to think that the time I spend with the people who mattered in my life is one that they will carry on...I hope that the memories I have built with them is something that they will always keep close to their hearts... that even when distance separated me from these people, I will always be remembered, I will always matter.

So when I meet these people once again, it's just like old times... no matter how we've changed.

Objectivist Ethics

2010-11-28T02:25:00.000-08:00

When someone calls another person selfish, it is usually taken in a negative sense. But why? Is it truly bad to be concerned with yourself before anyone else?

If I’m crossing the street with my friend and I see a car coming at us, would I be wrong to save myself and jump out of the way rather then pushing my friend out of the way and getting hit by the car myself? Why should I value another life over mine? Who would protect me better than I can protect myself?

Fortunately, I’m not alone in believing that selfishness is not a bad thing. Ayn Rand believes in the Objectivist ethics as well. The Objectivist ethics says that the actor must always be the beneficiary of his action. It holds that man must act for his own rational self-interest. After all who will value your life better than yourself? The Objectivist ethics is often misunderstood. It is widely believed that Moral Cannibalism comes from the Objectivist ethics.Moral Cannibalism says that the only way one can advance oneself is by injury to another. Ayn Randbelieves in the contrary, he holds that the Objectivist ethics says that human good does not require human sacrifices and can’t be achieved by the sacrifices of anyone.

Brush with Death

2010-11-27T07:29:00.000-08:00

In pagsuwayan Hindi, Bacacay, Albay PHILIPPINES, a careful tricycle driver was traversing the route going to the town proper of Bacacay when it was suddenly hit by a vehicle driven by a female drunk driver. Without that tricycle, the lady drunk driver could have gone straight down the creek. If her vehicle did not collide with the tricycle, she could have been the one who was tended in the hospital for gashes, x-ray appointments, bruises, punctures and anti-tetanus injections instead of the seven innocent people riding that fateful tricycle who were all simply looking forward to coming home to their families... all the lady drunk driver said was "sorry". Then I thought, will that "sorry" make up for the mothers and fathers that could have been killed in that fateful incident? Could that simple "sorry" make up for the lost leg or legs that could have been incurred by the passengers hit by the bumper of the drunk lady driver's vehicle? Could "sorry" suffice? I DON'T THINK SO. NOTHING EXCUSES ANYONE TO IDIOCY! I SHOULD KNOW, MY SON COULD HAVE LOST A MOTHER TODAY.

Blimey!

2010-11-22T16:55:00.000-08:00

Why are we always blaming life about how bad it can get?

When we lose a game, do we blame the cards or do we blame ourselves?

Life is like this. or rather. Humans are like this, when something goes wrong, we need a scapegoat. We cannot take the blame, we are just beings that doesn’t work that way. It is like on the verge of death, you would rather pull someone else in and bring them to take the bullet.

We always tend to look for things such happiness, love, eternal health or more. We look into our hands, hoping to find these cards. Yet we can never find it. We put down the cards, and look somewhere else. Sometimes yes indeed we cannot find what kind of cards we want, for example we cannot make a full house with pairs, but doesn’t mean you will lose everything just because you only have pairs.

Its as simple as the desire for that specific card, or something in life. life is evil or whatever people want to refer it to, it just does not give everything you want, in fact, it may even take away "something" from you. Then, you end up chasing for that "something", run for it. But sometimes, with all the effort you've done, for some reasons, that "something" would’t come to you.

Then, there is always a plan, THE plan. when things don’t go as planned, then things aren't working out. or is it?

My Green Treat!!!

2010-11-21T16:58:00.000-08:00

You just seem to get what I want. And for my birthday, you managed to be right on point, giving me the best gifts --- in my favorite color and in my favorite flavor. I hope everything will work out for you this time... Crazy but it's amazing what happens when the skies clear out,, all conflicts settled and issues are mended. All is better now. Good luck to you! Stay away from crazies ahright? I will see you though...SOON!

XoXo

Traffic Light

2010-11-15T16:33:00.000-08:00

"while someone chose to break your heart, someone else is waiting to fix it. Don't be too hard on yourself, open up your heart to him. Give yourself the chance...give him the chance..."

No Philosophy

2010-11-07T19:17:00.000-08:00

No one can put a good man down...or in my case, a good woman.

I'd like to think that with everything on my plate, I did the right thing. Although at times, I am doing things blithely aware of the hurt and hassles of consequences, at the end of the day, I console myself that I did the right thing. This may sound snobbish or self-righteous but that's me.. I truly believe in karma...hopefully, by doing the right decision, even when that decision does not benefit me or serve what I want, I believe that my silent battles with sticking to the right thing will be duly rewarded...of remembered.

Sometimes, when I am really in trouble and I mean REAL trouble, it just happens that my problems seem to magically vanish.. fates play on your side. Then I realized, though at times you need to be unfair with yourself in the decisions you make, those silent sacrifices count. They are rewarded and some way somehow, it allows you to keep your ground. Though certain decisions won't serve your happiness, it serves a bigger purpose - it just showed what kind of a person you are - a person you can be proud of.

Years past, my sister told me I had no philosophy in life...whatever is that? Then now that I am writing this litany of mine, that's philosophy sister! some theory that you believe and live at.

Message of the Day

2010-11-06T10:39:00.000-07:00

Crunch Time!

2010-11-05T04:29:00.000-07:00

After taking the time to regain inspiration, strength and all other elements that a working writer needs to survive, I am up for some serious revamp. With my internship coming up, it got me all excited and jittery about what comes next. All I got is five months to finally earn that little certificate I have been working on for years. After that I will have a lifetime to enjoy. Hopefully I can make a good start with this mission of mine. After all, all great paths starts with that first step.

Can't stop smiling

2010-11-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

everything is just so serene. for some reasons, I couldn't stop smiling. i feel so inspired. thanks for making me happy... my best friend. thanks!

Family ONE

2010-10-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.”

surprises surprises...hmmmm!

I am Home

2010-10-14T14:55:00.000-07:00

I have been away from my laptop for so long, but the timeoff was all worth it. I just came from a spiritual retreat, which I attendedbecause it is a requirement for graduation in school. Never did I thought thatthe experience will blow me away. Never did I thought that I needed that timeto be just still, alone in silence, opening up my heart to what my soul needs,listening up to the words I refused to hear from my own self.

My days are crammed with time for work, for school and formy son. During my idle hours, I prefer to plug my ears with my headphones so Ican listen to some music. I thought I was listening to music for relaxation,but then I realized that I just want to refrain from listening to my own voice,which screams that I need to do something to settle all my unfinished businessand go on with my life with no guilt and other unwanted and unhelpful baggage.

My 3-day spiritual encounters and reflections of my lifemade me realize that there are still more things that I should be thankful for,but for some reason, I tend to focus on the things that I want and I don’thave. But then these wants are but a scratch to what I already have. On itsown, my life is complete and I got everything going for me, yet for somereason, I still manage to find things to complain about.

When I envy the lives of other people, I didn’t realize thatmy life is also worthy of other people’s envy. I never thought of it that way.Perhaps the time spent in seclusion with nothing but reflections, worship andprayer is everything I needed to bring back the peace in my life.

In my confessions, I have learned to forgive myself for allthe faults I buried deep in my heart. As I kneel for forgiveness, I also havelearned to forgive myself, I have learned that with all the pains and hardshipsin my life, the silver lining will soon appear and make me smile once again forbrighter tomorrows. I have learned that no matter how long I went away, it isnever too late to come home to my God, the ever loving, ever forgiving and everunderstanding father I never had.

As I stepped off the bus and into the hustles and bustles ofthe city, I felt peace inside me. I felt light and it was so easy for me tosmile to strangers. I am a new person now. I am better. As I realized that Godembraces me with love in every breath and pain I take, I know I can survive itall. What else can beat that? Now, I don’t fear anything at all. I am finallyHOME, and I am never going anywhere else again.

Painting is fun!

2010-10-02T17:40:00.000-07:00

After having eggs for breakfast, my son and I thought ofdoing some painting. I just thought of an activity that he can do while I canhave a luxurious hour surfing the net to manage some online correspondence. Afteran hour of doing the net surf, I was surprised to face this mountainous pile ofwet paper, my son’s masterpieces. He had his toys, space ships and actionfigures drawn so I had his wet paintings hanged to getair-dried. I promised him that we would debut his work this afternoon, with allhis doting grandmothers and grandfathers at bay. Now that’s a good time to get around of ice cream and chips in the house.

happy fwends

2010-09-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I spent the day laughing so much, I can feel myjaw aching for all the exercises and stretches it made. Yesterday, I spent theday talking about things in life, difficulties that I thought I will neversurvive, but flawlessly surpassed. Then I thought to myself, I can go on livingwith simple and meaningful times like this. It is the people I spend time withthat make me feel better about my issues with life. It is the people that Ibond with that make me feel I can do so much better and I am doing better thanbefore. Sometimes, when I feel low and a bit uncertain about my actions, theyseem to give me a mirror where I can see every aspect of my action, to which Iwill admit mistakes, commend good attitudes and be surprised at the things Idid, good or bad. My harshest critics, my truth committee, my friends. I don’twhat what’s in me but seems like I am a magnet for great friends. God knows Ilove ‘em, ‘cause I need them. I hope I manage to bring them same kind of joythat they give me in the littlest gesture, joke, advice and laughter.

Best Sick Day

2010-09-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

I am down with flu but the one thing I like about being thissick is that I get to get smoldered with displays of affection. My professorsgave me the green light to go home, without marking me absent. My classmatesoffered to take me to the school nurse to take some medicine. My friendsoffered to take me home…and it meant going through an hour ride from the cityto my home.

So even with this overwhelming aches and pains and even whenI am tingling all over, I felt the rush of love and it tucked me warm in my ownhappy place. Thanks guys! You made my sick day one of the best days of my life.

"Sick Day"

2010-09-14T18:39:00.000-07:00

Today, my five year old wokeme up at 2 AM complaining about muscle pain on his legs. I groggily scrambled to reachfor the soothing liniment that I keep handy in my drawers to give him immediaterelief. By morning, he asked me if he can skip school today because his leghurts. I have learned that he was busy the day after. He spent his afternoonplaying in the park and running around the garden playing with our neighbor’skitten, which he frustratingly chased till dark.

Now, we are having breakfast.My boy curled up in a blanket while spooning his cereals. To me, this lookslike an overacting kid who simply wanted to skip school on a lazy morning. Whoever did not pull this stunt when they were kids right? Seemslike milk and cereals can do wonders to his spirits. He went into his usuallightning round of questions and so I realized he was okay. He figured that I figured that hewas okay. So he ended up going to school anyway with me promising to answer moreof his kid questions by the time he went home after school. I am bracing myquite rusty memory on that!

Sonnet 124

2010-09-10T03:29:00.000-07:00

"If my dear love were but the child of state,
It might for Fortune's bastard be unfather'd
As subject to Time's love or to Time's hate,
Weeds among weeds, or flowers with flowers gather'd.
No, it was builded far from accident;
It suffers not in smiling pomp, nor falls
Under the blow of thralled discontent,
Whereto the inviting time our fashion calls:
It fears not policy, that heretic,
Which works on leases of short-number'd hours,
But all alone stands hugely politic,
That it nor grows with heat nor drowns with showers.
To this I witness call the fools of time,
Which die for goodness, who have lived for crime." --- Shakepeare

----> love doesn't come everyday. so when it finally comes knocking, take it, be open for it and grab hold of it...and then you see yourself making interesting and often foolish decisions in life.

Pride

2010-09-06T04:32:00.000-07:00

A professor of mine mentionedthat when the western culture screams “leave me alone”, the Filipino culture wouldsay, “don’t leave me alone”. One distinct characteristic of Filipinos is always having companions in doing the most trivial tasks. A lady always needs someone to tagalong with her pursuits, like the comfort room for instance. When buying adress, she definitely needs the approval of her friends before deciding onwhich piece to take. On the other hand, men tend to court women through theirfriends. As the cliché goes, no Filipino men go into battle alone, they oftenuse human shields…LOL!

After spending quality timealone, I realized that I didn't feel depressed, low or at loss at any thing. I wasraised to be an independent woman who faces life’s challenges head-on, that means shopping alone, going to school alone, going to girl scout camping alone and more things I already forgot. Neverwas I in the habit of asking my friends to accompany me at doing something,unless we agree on doing something together, for practicality’s sake. Even whenI treat my son on occasions, I am more comfortable going alone with only himand me, hand in hand. I was never the needy or clingy type, which is oftenmisunderstood as cold or unfeeling or simply "suplada". It’s just that I am not in the habit ofbothering people with my own business. Call it everything you want, but mygoing solo in most things that I do is my personal brand of pride...pride that whatever I have and whatever I will have, besides my family, that's all thanks to ME. Thanks honeyfor understanding that.

Solitude

2010-09-06T04:07:00.000-07:00

Today, I have spent qualitytime with myself. I just realized that I am losing my balance at handlingthings and that maybe I am a little uptight about some things. So I went on asolo date with myself. I went to the cinema alone, dined and tested the menu ofthe Italian resto near my school, tried out some window shopping, debated onwhether or not to cut my hair short…again. I was happy to have done thosethings, things that I used to do when I was single, when I had no obligationsyet, when I was free in many ways. Trying to squeeze some Me-time in quite ahectic daily routine is difficult especially when you need to do many things...for the sake of responsibility and obligations. It’s not about whining. It’sjust realizing that as I become busy of taking care of things, I often forgotto take care of Me. Sometimes, it is not a bad thing to do something selfishonce in a while…as long as it keeps you happy, it keeps you sane and it makesyou feel like YOURSELF under any strain.

I don't Believe in Evolution

2010-09-03T03:06:00.000-07:00

If evolution was true:

Mothers would have more than two hands.

Fathers should be dapper

MOST males would have more "members".

as MOST females would have steel hearts...

Bite me!

2010-09-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

Yada-yada! Blah-Blah-Blah!

"It is better to remain silent and be thought of as a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."

I stand by You

2010-09-01T05:01:00.000-07:00

In the world of strangers, you will meet friendly and cold faces. with pure luck, you may find someone you can trust and trust you back. With chance, you will meet the person whom you can give your heart to, as you will be given his/hers back. Lucky and blessed are the people who find someone to love. In the world where millions of people exist, it's a wonder why we are fated to find one heart to match our own. One thought to battle with our own. One body to embrace life with. People may get tired of love and may choose to be done with it, but I believe that every love is worth a chance. No life is perfect...no Love is perfect...

So my LOVE, just reach out to my heart. Call my name and my heart will hear...let me wash away your fears. let me shelter you with my warmth. let me love you with all my heart. don't fear the future. you--me...it's everything that matters. I stand by you. I'm here for you.

Talking about "Alone"

2010-08-26T04:47:00.000-07:00

I know there are people who think that the whole world revolves around them. I can't blame them if they are these world's narcissists...but to be asked to "leave me alone", that's deep.

Here's a piece of my mind:

"It's better be alone than be with someone who makes you feel alone."

Somebody's coming home soon...and somebody's gonna cry for sure.

Karma works in so many ways that you get exactly what you deserve and ask for.

Damn these narcissists..."leave me alone..." LOL!!!

Here is the road back to the old me

2010-08-23T06:27:00.000-07:00

For the past few days, I may have been physically sick but 'twas the five days in which I have discovered the way back to my own self. Thank God for the people around me, I now re-discovered what I was and improved how I view the world. This world may have crushed me empty...for so long I struggled bringing back my old self, the lively, colorful, feisty and quite irresponsible me. All I am saying is that I may have suffered a great deal for the past few days but those were quite memorable and life-changing. Those days brought my back to ME.

cryptic huh? well that's how life is anyway. I may have suffered enough personal downfalls but it's up to me how I will rise above it, step on it and move forward with the life that I have. and I decide to embrace it fully, especially now that I have all the reasons to live...better reasons to look forward to waking up each day for a new day.

Self-centered

2010-08-16T04:41:00.000-07:00

You wanna know the simplest meaning of being self-centered? Observe a toddler. Observe the way he or she constantly asks for things that will give instant gratification, without even bothering to give back anything in return. Observe how he always serve and work only for his needs and convenience. As we people studying linguistics say, toddlers practices the most perfect first person "I" point of view in speech, and even in deed. It takes so much for them to change. Over time, children learn and improve this behavior. But there are people to gets stuck at this stage...making no bones of anything else but themselves when they are way past childhood.

“It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes... we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions - especially selfish ones.”

- Alexander Solzhenitsyn, Russian novelist, Nobel Prize for Literature (1970).

Excuses Excuses

2010-08-15T18:09:00.000-07:00

In life,you may complain about simple things like the heat or lengthy commutes. You canthrow a fit over things like being ignored by the server in the fast foodcounter, which made you wait for hours just to grab a “fast” lunch, or just being ignoredperiod. There are times when we get so easily pissed-off by the most trivial things… like being askedto the nth time “are you okay?” when you are obviously not so let’s get ourbusiness done with. Now I know why some people sometimes act like jerks tounknowing bystanders…a nuisance. Butwhat can we do? We can’t help but feel miserable at times. My reason? I am sickwith flu and I can’t beg off work, school or motherhood. At 39-degrees, I stillhave loads of paperwork and school runs to deal with. Bearing with niceties isreal challenge when your headache drives you nuts. So give this woman a breakwill yah? Perhaps I should wear a shirt, “Beware: Jerk on the Loose!”

Mornings Like This

2010-08-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

I am glad to have welcomed this day with you. Thank you for being my comfort zone...for the longest time. My heart was fluttering like butterflies the entire time. I can't even remember the last time I felt anything close to that. I never thought I could feel something like that again. You brought out the bubbly, lively and giggly girl in me.You made me realize that there is more to my life, like you always did every time I needed a reality slap.

Our agreement will stay. But no matter what happens, my love for you my dear one will never change. Thank you for wiping off my tears, for listening to my pains and for loving me just the way I am. With that said, I can say we may be looking for more mornings like this, together, hand locked...together.

Simply Fair

2010-08-07T21:52:00.000-07:00

I am a simple person with simple needs and simple means. Iknow how complex life can be, that is why I opted for a life with nothing butmy basic needs. As a daughter raised by her patient father, I have learned thatalthough life is not always fair, it is my responsibility not to be the causeof such conflict to the lives of other people; to the people that I love and evento the people I never knew. I was taught never to cheat as I would not want tobe cheated. I was taught to be patient for everything will run its course whenthe time is right.

Ultimately, I was taught that in my life’s simplicity, people may seevalue in things that I have and that these people may take from me. As I wastaught to learn my place in every circumstance, I was also taught to stand myground and fight for what is mine.

Silent Resilience

2010-08-03T05:35:00.000-07:00

Why would anyone feel like a victim when there are no lost causes?

Self-pity is an excuse to do nothing. To appeal to sympathy for pity's sake is to seek affirmation of the choice to do nothing.

"I've been there, done that, and know suffering -- but it's all good. I'm still standing."

Got Get them Tigress!

2010-08-02T14:47:00.000-07:00

I am keeping my fingers crossed. I have my life and my son’sfuture laid out in front of me and all I need to do is do according to plan. Itfeels good to have a life direction for a change. I just learned that if youwant a life, do it your way. Don’t think of what other people will say. Thinkof what you have to say. Don’t think of what people will feel about that,because they do not have any hold to the future you want for yourself. Do notthink of the past, because they are over and done with. Just keep your eyes onthe prize and to everything that lies ahead. Focus, fixate, and claw your way forward.If I have to drag everything I have just to get a step ahead I will do it. without fear I will face everything - armed and loaded.

I have the Best Boss Ever

2010-08-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

During the times that I was drenched in stress, there was myever supportive boss offering prayers and help. I do not even have to sayanything, I was understood. Of all the things that I have, I am thankful for this one person who was ever supportive about my crazy life.

I must have done something right to earn such respect. So here’sto you boss, and to the job that I so love to do for you. Thank You!

A Lesson of Respect

2010-07-31T06:56:00.000-07:00

I am at peace. I know my place and my purpose in life. Iknow where life leads me and I know I will get there. My happiness, my joy, Iknow I deserve them all. I did not harm other people, ruin relations orbypassed any ties that resulted to everything I have. Now sometimes, people maydisagree with me or disregard me, but they are part of life. Surely, peoplewill see value in things that I have, and I respect that. I understand they maytake from me, but everything that is taken always finds its way back.

In all my years, all I have learned is to give respect to earnrespect, through good mature deeds. But while respect is earned, it may begiven to those who needed it most. To those who are confused and uninformed,respect is given as they are yet to attain realization of facts and truths aboutthings that relate to my life, to their lives. It is easy to throw blame andpass judgment at me, but they are meaningless to me. All I know is that peopleget what they deserve. So when opinions strike me or blame is thrown at me, Ikeep my stand. I may deserve that but I don’t pay much attention, because myrespect is given to those who needed be.

To Such a Whiny Little Pregnant Lady

2010-07-28T14:09:00.000-07:00

I have been there...but I just realized how strong I was to not use my pregnancy to grab hold of the person I have done it with. I never did anything for anybody to take pity on me and never forced anyone to stay with me at any condition. I did not fear standing by myself... I never thought I was that confident and strong even during when my moral is kinda low...but what this woman does is L-O-W. Talk about impressions, I have peaked through the glam picture you projected and realized that you are all twisted inside and that is what makes me pity you.

Somehow, some way, I know you will be reading this because I know how your kind of mind works. You are always in doubt and in fear, which makes all your insecurities more pronounced. In a way, such manifestation will bring out all your ill attitude.And I will not take any offense from them because we both know that between us two, You are the one who is miserable... and I understand that, thanks for having better judgment.

Think about it...is this the life you want for yourself? Is this the kind of life to settle with? Now that deserves pity, isn't it?

So quit hating...you really are getting on my nerves...and I am quite sure you'll have more reasons to hate me more when I am "hulk" angry.

Nice Day

2010-07-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

I guess I need to give myself a break. I dedicate this dayfor me. I have gone through a lot of stress last week. Lack of sleep, fun andcompany sure take toll on your buzz. After looking at how I did in my exams inschool, I felt revived. Sulit na naman su tuition ko. Hahahaha! Why am Icomplaining anyway when the world is out there, waiting for me to come out.Maybe it’s what I need. Why do I even make myself miserable by thinking ofother people’s problems, when I actually do not have any, not really! So there,I will go out and explore some possibilities. And maybe meet my darling alongthe way… yung ice cream ko ha? Laki na ng utang ko sayo pero yung ice cream komuna. Enjoy your day people! I know I'll do.

No Regrets

2010-07-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

I don’t fear losing people in my life no matter how hard Ihave fought for them. I don’t fear losing everything when pursuing something Ibelieve in. I don’t fear facing an army just to get to where my heart leads me.What I fear is a life of regret that I did not do all those things, and I amstuck in the middle of somewhere with someone that I don’t love, I don’t needand I don’t want.

The ghosts may lurk inside me, but that is all they willever be, ghosts. They will never rule my life; they will never ruin my life.For a person who has suffered much, I believe that I will have my own time tomeet all my heart’s desires. For now, I am working on my resilient heart, whonever forgets to remind me that life is all about taking chances. And it is notabout winning all the time. It is the courage to see and face where your truthlies. And that’s what ultimately gives my heart all the happiness and freedom Ican get out of life.

I have learned to love, to be loved and to let go of thatlove…love in its true aspects...and the pain and joys that go with it is called life.

Making a Killing

2010-07-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

The skin jumps opposite the impersonal convenience.

So when you are in for the kill, focus, strategize and gather confidence in what you can do. Be fearless, be free. Explore what you can do.

Storm Attack!

2010-07-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

ust when you though everything will be alright, things turn to worst.

...no power...no internet...no work....no life

Storm storm go away. You are no good for working writers like me.

(headache...argh!)

It's Raining

2010-07-12T14:14:00.000-07:00

I love it when it rains. I love the cold and the sound oftrickling water down the gutter. Weird enough, I like raindrops touching mypalms, the cold feeling seems to calm the nerves inside. El niño has finally ended, nowcome the rainy days. Something tells me, it’s a good start to do something newwith my life … something I have never done before … maybe like learning theart of flirting … and somebody’s smiling.

Thank YOU for Loving ME

2010-07-06T22:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know what you saw in me ........... I might have dazzled you with my ............................

................................................WITS!

Thank you for coming into my Life

It's a Bitch to Grow Up

2010-07-06T19:04:00.000-07:00

I actually borrowed this title from an Alanis Morissette song.Boy if I can only meet this fine artist, I would hold her hand and thank herfor every song that she made. They really helped me straighten up my life andmove on from all the dark chapters of the love that I had.

“I’ve spent my life hovering above bottom

Thinking I can’t survive what’s below”

Below…low points…I have been there and those times were nasty.

“…and there was no other direction to go…”

In every decision we make, we tend to get a feeling ofwhether it is wrong or right before everything goes for the better…or worst. Ifit sends you to a better place, then you must have done something good. But ifit is sending you downhill and it feels that you can’t escape, you got nochoice but hold on and brace yourself for all the consequences that you have toface… and even if you try your mightiest to escape, all the more that theseproblem and consequences stick around and bother you, unfinished businesses,keeping you from moving forward with your life… And at that same point, throughall your uncertainties, pain, remorse, regret and efforts to change, you willrealize that you actually have a lot more to learn…It is at that point that youstart to really GROW UP.

“I feel done, I feel raked over coals, and all that remainsis the case…that it’s a bitch to grow.”

It’s ironic right? Had you known what’s gonna be the endingof your conquests, would you have done it regardless of the future?

whining about struggling

2010-07-02T17:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I have a gut feeling that I am letting myself miss so many things because I am always this person who deals with responsibilities and obligations first. Sometimes, I ponder on whether or not I must also allot time to enjoy time with friends or spend idle times doing stupid things, doing nothing, but I always end up feeling guilty and thinking of the things I should have done during those times…because that’s what a responsible person should do. Sometimes, I think I am taking my being “responsible” a little too seriously. I know I have a lot of things to do but I get it that my life isn’t just about doing responsible and mature things. I am also entitled to make my own mistakes. So whenever I am out to have fun, I forget all control and just lose myself to the moment, which is really stupid. But hey, I am entitled to my dose of stupidity once in a while.

I just want to feel alive. I want to become the person who is not afraid to do things on my own and to love despite of and regardless of. I want to be able to do things my way, where I will only answer to my own decisions and not make them just to be approved of or please other people. I want to be fearless in embracing life, its flaws and all. I want to be fun. I really need some ME time….bad!

New Hope

2010-06-30T15:50:00.000-07:00

With the new administration leading the government of my beloved country Philippines, I felt that I become confident again that there is still hope to enjoy a better Philippines in the next six years. Here in the province of Albay, our elected governor asserted that the province has broken ground the foundations of establishing better economic status, public education and health services and overall better quality of life for all Bicolanos. But what surprised me is that why am I easily impressed by these promises when they are the main aspects of existence, which the government should improve and provide for its nation? Why was I easily impressed that our leaders put emphasis in the improvements and installation of better public service, when they are their main purpose and obligation? Have I become one of those Filipinos who get used to “pwede na”, “pagtyagaan na” and futile patience and hope for the day the politicians will finally do their “real” job.I am hoping for a better future for my dear country and my province because I would not want to live elsewhere. Not because I am settling or that I feel that living in the province is “pwede na”. I see it as the best place where I can pursue my professional ambitions, raise my son and build fond memories with my family, which I will carry on throughout my lifetime. In 30 years, Albay is geared to be the “California” of the Philippines, during which I will be near my retiring age. I just hope it will materialize. I managed to dream again, I hope it is a good sign.

Your Life is Your Choice

2010-06-23T03:15:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from Bo Sanchez' "Don't be a Zombie" blog.

....Let me share a beautiful story written by S.I. Kishor about a man who passed the test.

"Will You Pass The Test Of Life?"

John Blanchard was a soldier.

One day, in a library, he found an old book with a lot of writing in the margins. He read her handwritten notes in the book and admired their deep insights. At the front cover, he saw that the book was previously owned by a certain Hollis Maynell.
With much effort, he located her address. He wrote to her and told her about her old book and how he liked her written notes.
And she responded, thanking him for his kind words.
But that day, he was shipped overseas to fight in a war.
Still, they kept writing to each other. During the difficult times at the battlefield, her words inspired him and gave him hope.
Little by little, John was falling in love with her.
He requested for a photo, but she replied that if he really cared for her, it won’t matter how she looked.

Finally, he was going home.
They decided to meet at the Grand Central Station at 7pm.
He said he’d be in his soldier’s uniform bringing her old book.
And she said, “You’ll know me by the red rose I’ll wear on my lapel.”
When the train arrived at 7pm, John was there, wearing his neatly pressed military uniform, with her old book in his hand.

The first woman to step off the train was a beautiful woman in a green suit. But there was no red rose on her blouse.

John was disappointed. But she was so lovely, he kept looking at her. She walked in front of him, glanced at him with a smile, and asked, “Are you following me, soldier?”

A part of him wanted to follow.

But no, he had to wait for Hollis Maynell.
The next woman who stepped off the train had a red rose on her lapel. She was perhaps 45 years old. She had graying hair beneath her hat. And she was very overweight. Meantime, the beautiful woman in the green suit was walking away.

John was torn.

Yet he looked again at the woman who was wearing the red rose. He remembered her letters and what a fascinating a person she was. He remembered how wonderful her words made him feel. He told himself, “This may not be love. But this may be more than love. This will be a beautiful friendship with a lovely person.”
He walked up to her, straightened himself, handed the book to her and said, “My name is Lieutenant John Blanchard. You must be Ms. Hollis Maynell. I’m so glad you could meet me. May I have dinner with you tonight?”

The woman smiled. “I don’t know what this is about, son,” she answered, “but the young lady in the green suit asked me to wear this red rose on my coat. She also said that if you asked me out for dinner, she said she’d be waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!”

"Your Choices Shape Your Destiny"

Imagine the end of this story: John and Hollis getting married, having kids, and growing old together.

Because he lived deliberately.

Because he made the right choice.

Because he passed the test.

Friend, life is a series of tests.
And your choices—your answers to the test—
will shape your destiny!
Sometimes, it’s a choice between love or lust.
Sometimes, it’s a choice between selfishness or selflessness.
Sometimes, it’s between what your heart wants and what your flesh wants.
Sometimes, it’s between what will bless you forever and what will give you pleasure this moment only.
Your life is really all up to you.
You’re the chef of your meal.
You’re the architect of your house.
You’re the scriptwriter of your movie.
You’re the composer of your song.
You’re the painter of your masterpiece.
At the end of the day, you decide how happy, fulfilled, and blessed you want to become.

REPERCUSSIONS

2010-06-17T18:20:00.000-07:00

It is easy to be hard-hearted and apathetic especially to the person who caused you shame, pain and despair. It is easy to find joy in the sufferings of the ones who have done you wrong when you are still writhing in anger and bitterness. It is easy for anyone to say sorry for the things they have done, but it is hard for them to admit that even though they are sorry, they wouldn’t have done otherwise…

To the WOMAN who is now seeking my forgiveness for tearing my family apart, it is easy to find words to ask for what you need but I would not give you the liberty of not going through the repercussions of your actions. But surprisingly, I did not find joy in your anguish, satisfaction in your confusions, remorse at your "manufactured" sufferings and pity for all the crap you now have. YOU are the one who have put yourself in your position. So what do I feel? … pure ELATION.

When all the passion is gone, all that is left is the shallowness and nothingness from where you have started. In your doubts, trust is gone into the wind and all that is left is a life agonizing and worrying about the things that could have, may have, probably have and will happen. Now this circumstance is more than what I could have hoped for. So much for punishments. So much for life. So much for L O V E that you so proudly used to ruin the relationship and family I had.

Now you tell me. Now that YOU get to taste your own dose of your medicine, HOW DOES IT FEEL?

Stupid Girl

2010-06-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

for as long as i can remember, I have worked for everything that I enjoy in my life. the trust bestowed upon me by my family is hard-earned, given my quite interesting life decisions in the past. every cent I spend is earned by every letter and word I have squeezed out of my overworked brain. but the things that matter more, like friendships and family, are surprisingly the things that i never need to work on just to be earned.

for many times, i have expressed my surprise and thanks to the people that surrounded me with love. during my low points, they were the ones that offered things that i need not ask; like support, like someone who will listen and someone who understands.

so no matter how life strikes me, it can strike me harder because this gal will never back down. give me your worst and I can will endure, I will stand, I will overcome whatever that may be.

in my life, I have weathered many storms. whatever is there in store for me, "bring it on baby!"

must I say, i should stop my pity party and stop my stupid negativity. i got everything going on for me, so there's no reason to complain about problems. just quit it wendy because this is the one thing that will ruin everything. quit your negativity and wake up. you deserve so much better and you know it.

work on it! earn it! own it! WAKE UP!!!

Love: A Little Less Complicated

2010-06-07T15:09:00.000-07:00

Many people complain about falling into complicated relationships. There are people who find it hard to know when a relationship starts and be surprised when it ends. Many are clueless on why their relationships seem to be perfect, yet they ended up hurt as they were bound to breakups.

With relationships, people share part of themselves to another person. To some, they give their everything, not SHARE, which is a bad sign I suppose. To some, their status remains complicated because they have committed themselves to a person who is still unsure of what he wants and whoever he really wants to be with. The complications of relationships can go endless, but here’s a piece of my mind.

“Know what you want and who you love and want in life before you share your life to someone else.” Because if you get into a relationship of “convenience”, which means settling to whoever and whatever was available when you needed someone, you might end up hurting that person because he/she would only be a “progression” tool towards getting into the real thing.

The thing is, you need to know yourself first. Because otherwise, how can you ever really love someone if you don’t even know what you want in life? Do that and you’ll be saved from all these troubles.

Know what you want. Know who you love. That way, you will be able to lead the life and lasting relationship that you sure want to spend your lifetime.

To My Everything

2010-06-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

June 4, 2010 is my son’s 5th birthday. In my continuing tradition of writing him a belated post for his birthday, here's what I have in mind:

Son, the past year has been extremely difficult for me. Mama was in a rollercoaster ride of her life. I was betrayed by the people whom I thought would care for us and we were left behind to face and settle the mess … we were left on our own. Thankfully, we have a wonderful family that has been our rock and strength for all these years. Although I once failed to blink back my tears and showed you a miniscule moment of my weakness, you were there to ease my pain. Your hugs kept me going, your faith in me kept me believing in myself. You made me feel your love and your impact in my life, which I realized to be everything I needed to settle with all the difficulties and all the pain that life has given us.

During my lowest points, you were there to watch DVD marathons of my favorite movies, sitting beside me until you fall asleep, staying with me even when you don’t like what I was watching. Whenever I need air to breathe, I just watch you, full of energy, full of life, making me realize that there is still more good things in my life…YOU. Whenever I needed a breather, we go to the arcade together, we eat ice cream together, we laugh, play games … even for the slightest measurement of time, I forgot my problems, I forgot all my pain … you replaced it with hope, love and forgiveness.

The thing is that during those times that I needed to be taken cared of, you were there. You and your huge curious eyes looking up at me, feeling that there was something wrong with me. You kept me sane and you brought me back to what I was, what I used to be and what I will become…your devoted mom.

In a short span of five years, you have taught me all about life, strength and purpose. You gave me the love that I was looking for, in all directions. You made me realize what I can be, which is the best person and the best mother any kid can ever have. I will have that as my life’s mission, because son … you deserve the best.

Sometimes, when I marvel at your beauty and awesomeness, I think back and say, “what did I ever do to deserve you?”

But then I realized, no matter how hard things can be, life will only get better as long as you are there, by my side, adoring me as your strict disciplinarian, crazy buddy, your clueless tutor, your bully, your friend, your first love… your Mama … your everything as you are my everything.

I love you son, five years since the day I was gifted with the best son any parent can ever have. Five years have passed and we are getting better. I am getting better at this mothering thing…because of you…because you help me become one for both of US.

Now's the time

2010-05-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

For so long, I have been relying on other people to tell me how to fix my life. I have been waiting on that one person to complete me and give me the reassurance I needed to straighten up my life. I thought I can rely on people, I thought I needed to be taken cared for. But now I realized that I have been doing all those things for other people but myself. I am left hanging, waiting and postponing things in my own life, and for what? It is time to make up my own mind. It is time to do things my way. It is time to for me to hold on to my own steering wheel and lead the way. I can do this, I know I can. I am capable, I am strong and I can do it. Just a few months more, I will sure do it this time. I want my son to be proud of me and I will never disappoint him, not this time.

Thank You

2010-05-20T15:05:00.000-07:00

"Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

L o v e N e v e r F a i l s."

I thank the one person who taught me this important lesson about life. No matter how much you have hurt me, I can't explain why the hate easily goes away. Maybe because I still love you, but not the same way as when we were together. You taught me painfully, you taught me hard and you taught me well. For that, I am honestly thankful because without that, I will never get to become the person I am now. and I like ME now.

Once you love a person, you share your life with him. And when what you had was real, the love never goes away, it stays. Love changes people in so many ways. But though love hurts and easily harbors hate, love finds a way for forgiveness. It comes with hope that though it failed to bind us, I am capable of honestly hoping for your happiness. Because no matter how I try to erase you, you had your spot and it will always be your spot, that I realize now. But though love stays, it is never a guarantee for forever. People change and no matter how you control that, it happens.

Thank you for teaching me so much. I will carry on with my life remembering you as the brutal teacher I never had, the one person that really served me good no matter how this idea seems stupid or irrational. But that is life. If you did not do what you did to me, I will never realize that I am surrounded by these people who truly love me. That I am capable of being loved with no condition. I thank you for helping me find the way to a new love, that I might live by for all my years, for all my life...and of course, I hope I have left you with something to help you get through with your life.

My sincerest thanks to YOU.

You are not Alone

2010-05-04T07:17:00.001-07:00

Many times, people suffer in silence, tucked away in a corner of solitude. They wallow into their own issues and problems, trying to find solutions that would prevent the worst to come. Many times, people think the worst could happen, entertaining pessimism, which cultivate depression, frustrations and disappointments and cloud their better judgment. They think they were the only ones suffering as they are.

Then suddenly, when reality kicks in, clarity will be upon their shoulders. When people suffer together, there forms an inexplicable bond that gathers them together in suffering, in pain and through adversities. Many times, you thought you were the only one suffering, but that was before you turned to your neighbors, to your brothers and to your sisters.

People suffer together. We all have our own problems. But to the billions of people living in this world, there are several dozens and hundreds that are dealing with the same problems you have. There are dozens and hundreds of people feeling the same pain, enduring the same trials and hating the ones who’ve wronged them.

The thing is, we are not alone. No matter how hard life becomes, we are never alone. People suffer together, become happy together as they live in the same world where we all exist. So hang in there, you are not alone. You’ve got dozens and hundreds of people suffering and fighting the same battles you have, hating the same kind of people you hate and changing the same mistakes that you also made.

Settling

2010-05-02T02:20:00.001-07:00

“Up in the air” with George Clooney and that girl in twilight is really a good movie. It opened up my eyes on things especially about relationships. I just realized that when you are all grown up, it seems harder to commit. The dating thing becomes more fun when you are older, definitely, but the committing part seems to be really difficult if not impossible. The more experiences you get, the more anxious you become of commitment, the more reasons you get not to commit. And by the time you get to your senses, it would be sad to realize that you ended up “settling” for what’s there.

Even when it comes to careers, younger ones are mostly ideal. They usually are too eager, too diligent and too creative. But most of them lack experience and cannot even define what their jobs are for. All they see is the chase to being on top of the ladder the fastest. On the other side, the older ones settle back and leave the young “raptors” to go crazy at their chase. The thing is that young “raptors” tend to be easily disappointed and frustrated as they are bound to realize that the reality of life, career and love weren’t even close to what they thought or hoped for.

Like love. Live jobs. Like careers. At some time. At some point. All that is left is what we settle for.

What is Up?

2010-05-01T18:04:00.000-07:00

People are having their day today. They are feisty as they are easily irritated. Tempers are so volatile and I get to feel what members of the bomb squad feels when they are to detonate a bomb. It’s a hit or miss game. So here I am in my ‘happy place’ doing the thing I always do when pressure and situations are in their all time high. I don’t need all these pressure. Just keep cool Wendy. Keep cool! You’ll be of no use if you join the temper party you know.

Inspiration

2010-04-29T04:53:00.000-07:00

So work tells me to make something inspirational, something that is a tribute for father’s day and parenting. I can do the parenting part but the inspirational and the father’s day tribute would be a challenge. So I promised myself that if I would manage to finish something good out of the two topics, I am definitely one hell of a writer. For one thing, I don’t have a real father figure and I have got the worse and worst examples of fathers in my life so how about that for an inspiration?

In many ways, writing for me is one way of getting into a life that is apart from my own. Being a writer, you can explore the emotions of someone who might be there and is suffering there. If you are living a messed up life, writing about light stuff and happy things creates an escape that allows you to feel better about yourself, even for the slightest bit of moment. The only consolation we have is that we get to live the best and the worst out of life, through experiences or through pure imagination.

As a writer, I am sometimes asked to write about things and ideas that I do not exactly believe in. I am sometimes asked write about things that do not make any sense to me, and make them seem bigger and more important than they actually are. This is forever the challenge that we, writers face each day. But hell, I wouldn’t want any other job anyway.

Glum

2010-04-27T04:36:00.000-07:00

I feel like crap. If only I know where I should go or what I should to brighten up my today. My mood is gloomy as the weather and my thoughts are floating in limbo. Thankfully, it is still capable of composing a blog post. Days like this make me sucker punch myself so I would get back to my productive buzz. I don’t wanna ruin today because of this occasional blues. If there is only a drug for this ‘illness’ I could have already taken it….as in right now!

Smug

2010-04-22T20:14:00.000-07:00

Why should I be jealous of what you have? Do you even realize what you have put yourself into?

Let me break it down to you girl...

1. A boyfriend that actually does not own up to you.
2. Friends that claim you are a bad person behind your back.
3. Friends that claim to be appalled at what your ‘interesting’ preferences and actions yet have the nerve to tolerate them.
4. A family that despises you to your core for tarnishing their name and causing them shame.
5. Personal satisfaction based on things that equate to things money can buy...your user-friendly boyfriend for one.
6. A failed marriage to a man that thankfully has come to his senses.
7. Acquaintances that have lost respect at your ‘interesting acts’.
8. People you don’t know judging you as an abomination to the life of the people you love.
9. And a life-long struggle of not discovering that you built up your world with these things and these kinds of people around you.

Now tell me, what should I be jealous about? And you have the nerve to call me pathetic? Oh please. There are so many things in life to be smug about but hanging on to what you truly have is not something that appeals to my taste.

Sick!

2010-04-19T04:56:00.000-07:00

Everyone in the house is sick. Thanks to NJ's nasty flu virus, I am now suffering my bouts of tingling sensations which go along with high temp and runny nose and did I include my seemingly endless and uncontrollable sneezing. Also, add in some head cracking pain...Boy that was nasty.

After spending about two nights monitoring NJ's breathing (asthma), I am now down with colds. The dry heat in our house only made us more uncomfortable.

After downing about two liters of pineapple juice and a failed attempt of sleeping, I still feel the runny nasty nose. I just hate this feeling. Whoever loved being sick anyway?

The Day Fear Comes

2010-04-14T02:44:00.000-07:00

My son is definitely getting smarter and smarter each day. As more days pass, the more questions he asks. It is expected from him to be curious about our living setup, but thank God he is not asking questions yet. He never got to live with his Papa, that’s why. He is what they say, ‘an absentee parent’ but a parent still, well I suppose he still wants to be. It’s just that I am bothered how am I going to explain his absence when the time comes that he asks. Should I say straightforward that his Papa does not want me anymore and that he needs to stick with me because I am the better parent for him as of now? Now that’s too depressing. In my case, that is.

I am not feeling self-righteous here but I just couldn’t find the right words yet. I don't wanna pass blame either because I was involved in this from the very start. I just want to be prepared to answer all his questions.

To tell you honestly, that day when he starts asking me questions about our family is one of my dreaded moments. Until today, I still don’t know how to do it. What I know is that I tried my hardest to prevent putting my son and myself in this position. I did, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn't enough to convince that one person we sort of depend on…to stay…for our family. We were left behind and that’s the truth, but I can't find the words or the subtlety put put that thought into words. What a mess.

By that time comes, I know that I will just find the words to say. I really really hope so. Because at this rate, that day will be soon. I fear that I might harbor ill-feelings, but I guess a toddler is not yet capable of that. Perhaps I just have to trust this little tyrant to understand that not all the things we wanted in life has to happen. Life is just that way, you will never know what you are going to get or lose, regardless of how hard you have tried and how much you have fought for it -- in life, sometimes you just lose because you lose, even without a fair fight. And lastly, nothing is fair in life, but that does not excuse you from being the cause of any of it.

Apparently, all he has is ME. I hope that will do.

Persistence

2010-04-12T20:28:00.000-07:00

My son should be my model of persistence. Earlier this morning, after his tutoring class, he came home surprisingly very quiet. he laid down his "mall" pants and shirt and shoes, took a shower and put on his underwear, all on his own. He even yanked his towel on the clothesline, all on his own. I did not pay too much attention to what he was doing because I was working with my laptop. He just did and then I was a bit surprised that he suddenly came by my side, tugging my arm. "Mama, I am ready to go to Legazpi." I did not promise him to go out today. He just thought of that, went on his way and just informed me, "Mama we are going to the mall in Legazpi." I was left stunned. He fixed everything himself. He even had my blouse and shorts laid out in my bed. At barely five years old, this little tyrant surprises me everyday, much more NOW.

I was just impressed about his guts. and then I thought, why can't I go like that. Wherever did he get such a commanding attitude when all I wanted is to be invisible for all my life.

Spread my Wings and Fly

2010-04-08T03:17:00.000-07:00

I used to be the one who carry the weight of the world, but suddenly I realized many things that brought more meaning into my life. Now, everything that I have been dreaming of and everything that I wanted to do … I will soon begin to chase them all.

For the longest time, I was always afraid…of failure, of disappointment and of not meeting expectations. Then suddenly I realized that I had the most expectation of myself and that’s what keeps me from forgiving ME in all the wrong decisions I have made. Old memories always bothered me. I long for the happy ones and I loathe the ones who have caused those trying times. I was then so ashamed of everything about myself. I saw nothing to be proud of, nothing to brag about, nothing to even keep my head up and look at people in the eyes. Those times were such a waste. Past is past and the beginning of a much better life starts now. I am starting it now and everything else will be left behind. The past may be past, but it is a piece of my life. It goes with shadows, which I can turn to but will never get to become ever again…I hope.

“I used to carry the weight of the world, and now I wanna do is spread my wings and fly” - Chantal Kreviazuk

Procrastinate

2010-04-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, I admit that most of the time, I am full of conceit especially when it comes to work. What can I do, I just give it my all and that makes me confident about the quality of what I have accomplished every day. However, there are times that the assignment given to me, the topic specifically, is something that I know nothing about. What kills me is that I just don’t know how to start…or should I say…my mind refuses to ‘jumpstart’ its flow of creative ideas. I don’t know how to make my attack, especially when the topic is something that is really far from my interests. But time and time again, assignments like this seem like a call for me to go out of my comfort zone. It is a call for growth. Sometimes, when you get used to dealing with things that are familiar, you get to miss out all of the challenges that comes with writing. So I suppose this is a call for a sort of growth, in terms of my writing skills. Oh boy I hope I can finish them today. so much for growth…argh!

Summer Bonding

2010-04-01T16:37:00.000-07:00

I spent the whole day bonding with my family yesterday. Also, I spent the whole day running around, watching over my son. We went to this island. The family just grew tired of making rounds at local resorts, so we decided to hit the islands. And boy, what a day that was!

As soon as the boat hit the sand, there goes my energetic son, instantly soaking in the warm water of the beach. So even if I haven’t yet applied our sunblock, I went in soaking in the water with my little tyrant, throwing out my bag by the shore. Hastily inflating his floaters and life jacket…he does not know how to swim you know. So as the ever protective mother, I got him settled with a life jacket and donut floater. Even if I did not plan to soak myself dry in seawater, or even stay out in the sun for bloody hours, I was there, watching and wishing for my little tyrant would quickly grow tired of the waters.

The gods must have been listening to my plead. Not that my son decided to rest even for a bit. It rained, which kept me cool…and wet…and still running after my naughty son. Soaked with rainwater and saltwater, yeah, everything’s good I guess. I got him hitched in a boat ride that my sisters and I paddled through the water. Boy I never flexed so many muscles for so long, so we eventually gave up and delivered my little tyrant, who was still enjoying the ride and refused to go back to shore, to land. So there goes a long tantrum episode. The little one cried and shouted his lungs out just to make his point. Well, I can’t go back to the boat. I can’t paddle no more. As a mother, tantrums are something that irritates me most. But years of practice taught me to just don’t make a big deal out of it. Just let him be. As I have expected, he grew tired and decided to shut up after a few minutes of motherly neglect.

After mother-and-son had a feast at lunch, we were back to our levelheaded selves. Bad moods were miraculously driven away. So we were up to a hike. Mother-and-son climbed our way up in the island mountain. On our way up, he throws me all the trivial “why” questions he can think off, making me grow tired physically and mentally. Keeping up with his antics is a sure challenge. Sweating and tired, we also talked and sang our way on top of the mountain to keep him motivated to climb (we are talking about more than a hundred steps up the mountain). As we reached the top of the island mountain, we were greeted by such a magnificent nature view. Then suddenly, the boy commented “Ganda Mama!” (This is beautiful mama). I was surprised to know that my son can now appreciate things like that. And yes, he hiked his own steps on top without my help. As we traced our way back to shore, the little tyrant was still on his own two feet. Still on his “bakit ganito-bakit ganyan” (just some old kid “why” questions) mode, we counted our steps and sang some silly songs to keep him from asking me a piggy back ride.

On our way home, we asked for our motor boat to go around the surrounding islands, or islets? The little tyrant was still surprisingly awake and still paying attention to all the activities around him. I know he is sleepy but he is a kid. He has a lot of energy to expend. We all were once like that and I seem to kind of miss that.

More than the views or the adventurous activities we did at the beach, what I appreciated most is surviving the day with my son. Not that I was the perfect mother but I do realize that we needed this time. He is growing up too fast. Even if he lives with me, seems like I don’t pay much attention to the changes in his personality. So spending a day with him is a real discovery. I want to do this more often. Trips like that make me realize that all the things I was looking for were right in front of me. This little tyrant with a beaming smile, or smirk I suppose, brings but a handful of the love, adventure and mystery that would keep my mind occupied for all my life.

High School Reunion Coming Up

2010-03-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

My high school reunion is coming up…I do admit that I am a little anxious about meeting my batch mates. But then again, I realized what reunions are meant for. It is for bonding. It is a time to recall the awkward moments of your high school life. To some, it might be an opportunity to relive the few glorious years in their life. To some, it is a time to meet their old flame. To some, it is the time to catch up with dear high school friends, whom they have shared their key moments like first date, first boyfriend, first heartache and first everything. To me, I see it as an opportunity to rediscover myself.

After high school, I have been quite a lost soul. Yes I did make good grades and placed myself in a reputable school but nothing seemed to work. The thing is, I was just deeply lost and I don’t know where to turn to during those times. So what happened is kind of predictable. I messed up my life.

I enlisted the wrong course. I fell in love with the wrong person. I had an untimely pregnancy and until now, I am making up for all those mistakes. But then, if those things did not happen, I would never be the focused person that I am today. I will never be this secure woman who is slowly forgiving herself for having all things wrong in her life, the woman who knows what she wants and how to get those wants.

So enough of the whining, I am coming to this reunion to meet old friends, meet new people and just be confident of what I have become. One thing I am never good at is pretending that I am something other than myself...so no choice, I have to deal with that. I admit, the feeling of anticipation and anxiety is a little bit unnerving. But I can live with that. For now, I am putting my head out on what I should wear to at least be decent for the occasion…’till then.

Free to Love

2010-03-30T16:34:00.000-07:00

Being free of the past is something that most people struggle achieving. It is never an easy thing to come to terms with. When all the hurt has run its course, what results is a feeling of freedom from everything that made you miserable for so long.

It’s been a year since the roller coaster ride of emotions and unwelcome thoughts flooded my being. The realization of truth in your life is something that will always catch you off guard. But though the truth may have caused you everything you have built and dreamed of having, it made you a better person despite of all the pain. It made you discover some parts of your life that you never thought you were capable of doing…or never thought of forgiving.

Love is a strong word that most people use for the most trivial things. Because of that, it becomes tarnished by all worldly meaning…with which it loses its essence. Once, I have seen love as a pure emotion, something that must never be called upon until finally realized. Now, even with all the pain it has brought me, I am glad that the word still remains pure in my heart.

Love, I will find it in my own time. With its different facets, I will survive the spontaneity of life. I would rather have it pure than just come in passing. I would rather not have it all, than just having it played with. My heart has grown resilient and I still welcome love in its forms. I am not afraid anymore. I am not lurking anymore. I am not moping anymore. I am free at last. My heart is open to see the world in a different light.